I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
