her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
