I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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