I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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