Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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