I think I died a long time ago.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
