i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
