Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
