I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
