Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
