I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
