The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
