Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
