Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
