walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
