Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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