I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
