I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
