that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
