how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
