I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
