he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Dick very happy bro
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
