i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
