I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
