Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
