he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
