Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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