if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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