Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
