By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize