i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
