He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
