I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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