forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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