i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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