i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
