omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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