I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
