I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
