Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
