Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
