dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
