Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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