The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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