I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
