Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
