Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
