gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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