did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
