yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
