I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
