I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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