I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
