Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
