Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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