forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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