I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize