They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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