I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
