Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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