dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
