her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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