hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
